She said her name was "party"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
