Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
