I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This baby is an asshole
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
