im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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