Don't make out with my wife yet
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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