i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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