Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
