My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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