i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Someone came in the potted fern
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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