So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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