The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
