She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
