***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
