Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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