Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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