so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
