Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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