I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
