So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
