The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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