I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
