Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
