i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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