i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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