last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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