She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He felt like a one man threesome
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
