So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
