totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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