My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
