Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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