Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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