yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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