life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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