Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
