My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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