This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
