So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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