doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
