I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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