If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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