Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
