it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
