Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
