I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
