I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
