I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
