saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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