Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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