Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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