my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
organizing the empties. That sober.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
