i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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