ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
