I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
