if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
