I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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