SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
