i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
