it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
