Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
