im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
